I've been feeling really discouraged lately. I haven't taken any pictures worth a breath. None of my pictures mean anything to me.

I wish a fire would take everything. They've always felt these distant things, something I can't touch or feel but only watch. It'd be nice to see something with depth rather than an afterthought. When you're tired and lost like this thoughts don't seem to connect. Nor do my sentences. It's bothering me. The fact that I'm thinking in broken English might just help to underline my lack of any solution.

Everything past technical learning is a creative plateau. There is no growth. I don't know what it's going to take.

Still, I've been writing pages of ideas. There are maybe six of so completed pictures I've visualized in my head. They're a bit basic, well most of them, but I think if I can actualize these then I might be able to feel more confident.

Outside of that, I'd like to get in some pictures with suspended time... which means I need to get out more.

I'm writing this now, but I've always felt like this. I can't imagine hanging up my own pictures. (outside of a birthday gift to my mom) My room is filled with other people's work. It's not that I want to get past this, as I actually do prefer others in my house, it's that I want my work to be more personal, at the least.

I don't want this to last, really. I know I'll never be satisfied, but I at least want to see creative growth, at least.

I really don't like this post. Mostly this blog is a stream of consciousness, and my ideas aren't connected to begin with, but I feel this one has been all over the place. I DO have standards! And I do like to write.

About this entry