I've been feeling really discouraged lately. I haven't taken any pictures worth a breath. None of my pictures mean anything to me.

I wish a fire would take everything. They've always felt these distant things, something I can't touch or feel but only watch. It'd be nice to see something with depth rather than an afterthought. When you're tired and lost like this thoughts don't seem to connect. Nor do my sentences. It's bothering me. The fact that I'm thinking in broken English might just help to underline my lack of any solution.

Everything past technical learning is a creative plateau. There is no growth. I don't know what it's going to take.

Still, I've been writing pages of ideas. There are maybe six of so completed pictures I've visualized in my head. They're a bit basic, well most of them, but I think if I can actualize these then I might be able to feel more confident.

Outside of that, I'd like to get in some pictures with suspended time... which means I need to get out more.

I'm writing this now, but I've always felt like this. I can't imagine hanging up my own pictures. (outside of a birthday gift to my mom) My room is filled with other people's work. It's not that I want to get past this, as I actually do prefer others in my house, it's that I want my work to be more personal, at the least.

I don't want this to last, really. I know I'll never be satisfied, but I at least want to see creative growth, at least.

I really don't like this post. Mostly this blog is a stream of consciousness, and my ideas aren't connected to begin with, but I feel this one has been all over the place. I DO have standards! And I do like to write.

For reading this! I've never thought I'd get actual comments, that's kinda cool, considering everyone on the internet already hates me. The more people who actually comment make me feel like I should actually make my life more interesting! Hopefully. I love my friends. I'm trying really hard to make everything better. Senior year is going to be great.

Anyway, I just sent another app to a photographer. They might be a little "high up" for me, but I don't think anything else would be good for me. You have to aim high. Right now I'm filling out a Shoprite application, but hopefully I won't have to use it. We'll see.

This isn't really a post I guess, I'm just saying thanks. Hopefully I'll be able to get some good pictures soon and I'll make an interesting post. I'll just dot this one with some pictures from the other day. (These won't be on my flickr.) I dunno, they might. For some reason I didnt really care for them too much.

Argh! One thing I DO need to do is to pull off some ideas I have for shoots. Just need a little money I guess. Let's wait for a job. Later.

Check this shit out! First thing we do when we lug it in the door and hook it up - "LET'S BOIL WATER!"

So we got out a huge pot and put it on our "power heater". This shot was taken with the light out and lit only by flash. I put it in TTL and fired off camera left with my SB-800. That way I got a nice shot of the smoke. CLS worked really well here, I'm impressed.

Art-fag shot of the grill. (Yes, it's actually in focus, except I was too lazy to get my flash for most of these so it was shot at 1.8 and probably a shaky shutter speed. I don't think I sharpened any of these except the first one. Eh.

See above.

Today I was at Barnes and Noble for about an hour reading about photography. Mostly I've been looking through this book; Revelations with the work of Diane Arbus. I don't have a large collection of knowledge on older photographers in the least bit, but today I'm glad I got to appreciate some of her work.

I didn't have time to fully read much at all but the picture's I've seen had that intangible quality that i love about them. I guess you can say she truly shot from the hip, because she used a Rolleiflex =) Can't do that with DSLRS. I also noticed in the book she used a Leica M3 I think. Might be confusing this with others. It's refreshing to take time to absorb a picture. I enjoyed most of her words too. Here are two quotes:

The world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplation. The hand is the cutting edge of the mind.

Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats.

It's eleven o' clock and the night before my orientation for school. I'm looking forward to this school year. It seems I have a lax schedule and might have time for photography/ a job / a life! Tomorrow afterwards I have to write out my cover letter and resume. Hopefully I'll be helping out a photographer as my job. Hopes.


I've realized a lot of my ideas involve clothing and props. That may sound like a plain statement but for the most part that is something I've never had or utilized. Once I get a job I want to start a number of series - I can use the money I have to pay for all of what I need, hopefully.

I'm hoping this year is one of actualization. I'm not satisfied with my photography ( though I never am) because of what it represents; which is currently nothing. I'm hoping I can make some ideas I have come to light and actually have an impact on the viewer. I feel like my pictures are detached non concepts. That's fine sometimes, but I want to change it up. I want meaning.

Right now I am trying to learn flash. I'm going to be trying to participate with the Lighting 102 assignment this time. MAYBE I can actually get some decent out of this. I'm pretty excited because this post of David's was on my "to-learn" list, so that works out.

Since I dont think I can save any of them easily here I am going to post two extra posts after this one. They'll be pictures, like the last. I want to connect with photographers and watch them more on flickr since I've upgraded. Hopefully I can order some prints. =)



I'm going to cut this post short because I forgot my original intention. Oh. I was going to talk about how this feels like the start of a second chapter for me. Start of senior year, hopefullyyyy... and interesting job, time for projects, money for it! I'm excited. Don't have much time now though, going to head to sleep and then early tomorrow for orientation.