I've been feeling really discouraged lately. I haven't taken any pictures worth a breath. None of my pictures mean anything to me.

I wish a fire would take everything. They've always felt these distant things, something I can't touch or feel but only watch. It'd be nice to see something with depth rather than an afterthought. When you're tired and lost like this thoughts don't seem to connect. Nor do my sentences. It's bothering me. The fact that I'm thinking in broken English might just help to underline my lack of any solution.

Everything past technical learning is a creative plateau. There is no growth. I don't know what it's going to take.

Still, I've been writing pages of ideas. There are maybe six of so completed pictures I've visualized in my head. They're a bit basic, well most of them, but I think if I can actualize these then I might be able to feel more confident.

Outside of that, I'd like to get in some pictures with suspended time... which means I need to get out more.

I'm writing this now, but I've always felt like this. I can't imagine hanging up my own pictures. (outside of a birthday gift to my mom) My room is filled with other people's work. It's not that I want to get past this, as I actually do prefer others in my house, it's that I want my work to be more personal, at the least.

I don't want this to last, really. I know I'll never be satisfied, but I at least want to see creative growth, at least.

I really don't like this post. Mostly this blog is a stream of consciousness, and my ideas aren't connected to begin with, but I feel this one has been all over the place. I DO have standards! And I do like to write.

For reading this! I've never thought I'd get actual comments, that's kinda cool, considering everyone on the internet already hates me. The more people who actually comment make me feel like I should actually make my life more interesting! Hopefully. I love my friends. I'm trying really hard to make everything better. Senior year is going to be great.

Anyway, I just sent another app to a photographer. They might be a little "high up" for me, but I don't think anything else would be good for me. You have to aim high. Right now I'm filling out a Shoprite application, but hopefully I won't have to use it. We'll see.

This isn't really a post I guess, I'm just saying thanks. Hopefully I'll be able to get some good pictures soon and I'll make an interesting post. I'll just dot this one with some pictures from the other day. (These won't be on my flickr.) I dunno, they might. For some reason I didnt really care for them too much.

Argh! One thing I DO need to do is to pull off some ideas I have for shoots. Just need a little money I guess. Let's wait for a job. Later.

Check this shit out! First thing we do when we lug it in the door and hook it up - "LET'S BOIL WATER!"

So we got out a huge pot and put it on our "power heater". This shot was taken with the light out and lit only by flash. I put it in TTL and fired off camera left with my SB-800. That way I got a nice shot of the smoke. CLS worked really well here, I'm impressed.

Art-fag shot of the grill. (Yes, it's actually in focus, except I was too lazy to get my flash for most of these so it was shot at 1.8 and probably a shaky shutter speed. I don't think I sharpened any of these except the first one. Eh.

See above.